Today I wannabe...ME!

It's been 2 years (tomorrow) since I wrote on this blog. That two years has been spent just muddling through life, with lots of unhappiness, sadness, pain and misgivings. But, now, today, I am HAPPY! I am working on figuring out who I am and what my purpose here in this life is. I know a few things about myself: I am generally a joyful person, who loves her family and friends. I love to read, to cook, bake, sew, and paper craft. I've done a lot of things in my life - all 50 years of it, but I'm still trying to figure out who I am. 

So, starting today, I'm planning to write on my blog at least once a week, and keep it positive. I am going to use this venue to start setting goals, looking at what life has to offer me, what I want out of it, and how I'm going to get it! I'm going to figure out what I WANNABE! Hee hee. 

I know that I want to be happy. And although I realize that happiness is not a constant state of mind, I do know that there is a lot more happiness out there, and I just need to learn to recognize it! I am working on being more positive, more cheerful, less critical, less anxious, having more faith, and learning how to manage my time better. I am also going to take better care of me and those I care about. 

In light of these things, I spent a good part of today thinking about creating and actually creating! I made a greeting card. I am spending the week house/pet sitting for a friend, and she has a phenomenal scrapbooking room, and I took advantage of that and made two cards, actually! I also decided that I didn't just want to make a card, but I wanted to make a card with a purpose. 

SO! I made a card to be sent to our military where ever they are stationed. There is an organization called "Operation Write Home" and it has a website that I like to visit as well as a Facebook page that I follow. Today I saw a post on Facebook for their "Midweek Throwdown: Color Challenge" using pink and green to make cards so I decided to do it. I also found one of their sketches on the website and went for it. I made a pink and green one, but I also made another one from the remnants of another card making kit that a friend had given me. Here is the one I made for OWH: 

 I will then post a link to my blog on the OWH website. In this way, I am accomplishing a number of things. 
1) taking care of me. It is important to me to be creative and to allow myself time to indulge in my hobbies. Not only does it bring me great joy, but it allows me time to think and process, and allows me "down time" from whatever stressors I am dealing with at the time. 
2) I am making something useful, thereby being useful. I have felt a great deal less than useful in these last few years after developing migraines and having my body start to fall apart. I need to find ways to feel good about myself again, and this is one of them. 
3) I am contributing to a worthy cause and sending hope, in the form of a handmade card, to someone who is serving our country and has to be away from their family for long periods of time. This makes me feel good about giving, good about sharing my creative gift, and happy that someone else will benefit from what I am doing. 

 I'm hoping to spend the better part of the next few days making more cards. Some Halloween cards, since it's just around the corner, some Christmas cards, since I never seem to find time to make them once November gets here, and some general occasion cards to send to OWH. I am going to set a goal that I will make at least 8 cards every quarter to send to Operation Write Home. That will help to make me accountable, as well as make sure that I am taking time for me, but I won't feel selfish doing it because I am helping others. 

So! Goal #1 set! Here's to lots more goals and better yet, meeting them! I have a lot more great years left in me (turning 50 must do something to your head!!!)and I intend to enjoy them, and live them to the fullest regardless of my limitations. 

Happy ME day! 


PS. You too can send card to our military at Operation Write Home

Today I wannabe.....grateful.

Today is October 24, and one of the last days of the month, and here in Colorado, we have beautiful weather! It's 79 degrees outside, gorgeous and sunny. What's humorous to me is that by Wednesday, we may have snow. Very much like Idaho, Colorado sometimes requires Halloween costumes to be big enough to be worn over a coat!
I am incredibly grateful for this lovely weather! The warm sun and the incredibly gorgeous leaves falling from the trees make this a day to remember and to be thankful for. I know it won't be long till winter sets in, and we have days of cold and snow. Thankfully, however, this area of Colorado is known for having over 300 sunny days a year, and I really love that. I usually react very strongly, in a negative way, to the changing of the seasons, and the diminishing light, but I am grateful and happy to say that this year, it's not so bad! I think that may have to do with a new drug my migraine doctor has me trying to help with headaches. It has an additional anti depressant effect on some people, and that seems to be the case at the moment. Whatever the reason, I am so grateful for feeling moderately well (everything is relative for me at this point), for having sunny warm days in late October, and for all the blessings that I have.
Sometimes in the midst of my pain (be it a migraine or my knees or back bothering me) it's really hard to remember that I have so much to be thankful for. We dont' have a lot of money, but we have plenty of food to eat, a warm roof over our heads, and people who love us. I really love having my grandson living with me (although at times I'd like to be able to send him home - if he had a home!) and having my daughter here is also a gift. I am very close to my children and I hate when they are more than a couple hours away from me.
I am grateful for the ability to walk, even when it causes me pain. There are people out there who no longer have that ability. I am grateful that I can still see, hear, feel, smell, taste, etc. I have clean drinking water, and electricity for warmth and cooling, I have phones to communicate, tv's to watch, computers to use (entirely too much of the time! :0).
So today, on this beautiful fall day, I want to enjoy God's gifts and be grateful!

Today I Wannabe...creative.

By nature, I'm a pretty creative/crafty person.  Over the years I have spent time learning all kinds of crafts, needlepoint, cross stitch, sewing, tie dying, decoupage, beading, jewelry making, friendly plastic (back in the '90's), and most currently, scrapbooking, cardmaking and paper crafting.  I have so much stuff in my sewing/craft area, that it sometimes overwhelms me (and certainly overwhelms my husband at first glance!).  I tend to go in spurts, and will do something exclusively for a long time and then move on to something else.  My favorite of all the things I've done over the years is scrapbooking, and is currently my passion.  I do, however, also love to sew, so it would be a definite number 2. 
Sadly, because of my health issues, I am not able to do all the things I would like to do, and certainly not when I would like to do them.  I always think of many things to do for each holiday, but by the time I can pull myself together enough to accomplish something the holiday has often come and gone.  Well, you say, start early!  Yes, that's certainly a good idea, but somehow, I just never do.  I have a terrible habit of procrastination, and I always think, "I have time....".  Yup, but the time somehow slips away in the middle of a "migraine meanie" week, or a sore leg  or knee "stint", I don't manage to get the things done that I'd like to do.  Even when I plan the time and actually do begin a project, I cannot devote the time to it that I used to be able to.  I cannot sit for long periods of time anymore, and I cannot focus visually on things for long periods of time, so I have to get up and down a lot, and I often get distracted.  
BUT!  For today I decided that I will take this week - yes the whole week! - and concentrate on getting things done for Halloween.  It's two weeks away, and for the first time in a few years, I would really like to have some decorations out.  I used to decorate the house for every holiday, and loved doing it, including lots of handmade items.  Unfortunately, as my health has declined, so has my ability to drag out the boxes, get everything out and put up, and then after the holiday has passed to repeat the process in reverse.  Some times, just the thought of it overwhelms me so much that I don't do anything at all, and the holiday goes by without much recognition, and I end up with this vague feeling of sadness that I missed it. 
So, this week, I'm going to make some fabric pumpkins (thank you "The Cottage Home" http://thecottagehome.blogspot.com/2010/09) for the wonderful and EASY tutorial!  I spent a little time at my favorite fabric store, Denver Fabrics,  (www.DenverFabrics.com) here in Littleton, and found a few pieces of home decor fabric in different sizes and colors to make some cute pumpkins to display in our entry way window.  I hope that they will be as adorable as Lindsay's are on "The Cottage Home".  But even if they're not, they'll be special, because I am determined to finish them, to have a few "pretties" set out for Halloween, and to share a little in the Fall season that I love so much. 
Then, next week, I'll focus on my grandson's Halloween costume (a pirate....."arrrrrr") and will help my daughter and her friends finish theirs. 
So, off to start working on my pumpkins....wish me luck!

Today I Wannabe....Exactly where I am.

Today was an absolutely fantastic day.  It started out just like any other weekday, with the normal routine: getting up with my grandson, taking my hubby (and daughter) to the train, going for a short drive before heading back home (my grandson hates to go straight back home and wants to go "that way" - any way but home!).  After arriving back home, eating breakfast, doing laundry and generally continuing through my day, I started feeling antsy.  My life has gotten so very small, and I do so little outside the house, and I was really feeling the need to get out!  Life has been stressful the last few weeks what with me falling and being housebound for two weeks, the weather being incredibly hot, my daughter starting massage school, and all the hectic changes and adjustments that go with that.  My grandson has been alternately cranky and hyper.  He's missing his mom, feeling the stress of the changes, and hating being housebound with my injury and the heat.  So, although it was hot again today (but cooler than it has been) I felt the need to head for the hills - literally!  I wanted to find a place where it would be cooler, and that I could commune with nature, experience the flora and fauna, as well as get my feet in some water.  For some reason water has always been soothing and renewing for me.  And, since I haven't been able to get to the ocean - my escape of choice - I felt that a lake or a river or a creek would be the next best thing.  So, I checked out the Colorado State Parks on line, found one relatively close, packed up the necessary items for lunch and attending to a two year old, and off we went!

What a fantastic day!  We headed for Golden Gate Canyon State Park, and after a slight detour (hello Boulder - oops!) we backtracked and made it to the park.  As the thunderheads built over head, we found a great spot for lunch with picnic tables and easy access to a creek.  Yeah!  And, right about then, the skies opened up and gave us a blessing of rain.  It was a lovely warm rain for the most part, and getting a little wet was ok, but wouldn't be too much fun eating soggy sandwiches!  So, back to the car we went, and as we ate, my grandson found his coloring crayons and book, and enjoyed himself.  It was a lovely interlude while the rain fell softly (and occasionally a bit harder) outside.  Eventually, though, it let up, and we got out of the car to explore.  Two year olds LOVE puddles, and sure enough, things were just wet enough to be fun without getting soaked.  Down through the grasses we went to the creek edge, and voila! I got to put my feet in the water!

I have been really needing to get my feet wet, to recharge my body and soul through nature's goodness.  We wandered a bit more, and headed back to the car.  We drove up a high mountain road through the park.  Lots of fun curves and flowers to delight the senses.  After a little while we found a great spot, played and looked at the mountains a bit more, jumped in a puddle or two, and decided we were a bit tuckered out.  What a feeling of wonder and blessing looking out on God's incredible creations!  I felt so blessed and so lucky to be right there.

Heading back home I felt such a sense of peace and renewal!  I haven't felt this good in a really long time.  I even had a bit of a headache, but the wonder and joy I felt by being in the park made the headache seem like a minor thing.  Wow, what a change! 

So often lately I look at my life and think, "how did I get here, and how the heck do I get out".  But today, I felt so wonderful being exactly who, what and where I am.  What a fantastic feeling!  There is nothing like the excitement of setting out on an adventure, and the joy and sense of accomplishment to find that, indeed, goodness abounds!

God is so good!

Today I Wannabe.....Better

Today I want to be better.  Better at a lot of things.  Better at being positive, better at keeping up on my household chores, better at taking care of my finances, better at keeping up on my blog, etc. 
I especially want to be better...healthwise.  I want to "get" better, "feel" better, "heal" better.  I'm not happy being ill all the time.  My migraines have been overwhelming lately, and my knees have been bad as well.  I'm tired of not being able to do the things I want to do when I want to do them.  I want to be better at making eating choices.
I want to be better at being in contact with my children and their spouses, I want to be better at keeping in touch with friends far away.  I want to be better at being a friend!
I want to be better at getting my sewing projects done on time. I want to be better at scrapbooking more regularly, because it contributes to my being more positive and more happy.  I want to be better about going to church, and reading my bible and daily devotions because these things also make me feel more positive and happier.. 
I think if I work on being positive, a lot of the other things will come into play.  
So, here's to a "better" day!

Today I Wannabe...different.

This month I am working hard at being positive and viewing life from a perspective of abundance rather than lack.  Sadly, this is not something that happens overnight.  It's a whole paradigm shift...changing my way of thinking and acting.  It sounds like a really great idea, and seems like it shouldn't be that hard.  It is unfortunate that change is so hard.  Strangely enough, change is all around us: the seasons change, the weather changes, people change, circumstances change, even the days of the week change!  But the hardest thing of all is to change yourself.  I want to change, I need to change, I WILL change!  It is not, however, easy, no matter how much determination I have, or how disciplined I may be.

I want so much to be out of pain.  But this requires change.  Change in my eating habits, change in my movements, even a change in my attitude.  Even with all of those things changing, my body does not respond as quickly as I would like.  The eating habit change makes me cranky, the movement change actually hurts more, and because of the first two, my attitude is pretty stuck in being depressed and disappointed.  Whew.  I know that change takes time.  I did not get this heavy overnight.  My body did not fail overnight, and certainly, my mindset and attitude did not develop overnight.  BUT I WANT IT NOW!  I am impatient!  I do not want to have to deal with any of this crap even one more day.  Not one more day, or minute, or second.

Over the years I have read a lot of material on change.  One of the things that stuck with me is that "change is never comfortable".  Well, that's certainly true!  And, "change and growth do not happen unless you are UNcomfortable".  Oh great.  So, more discomfort for change?  Crap! Not what I wanted to hear!  But, I DO want to change my circumstances, my attitude, and myself.  So, if that's what I want, I have to continue to make small changes daily in my eating, moving, and thinking.   I will continue to work toward the goals I set for myself this year, and know that though it may seem like nothing is changing, it really is.  I wouldn't be this uncomfortable if it wasn't.

So, another day working on change....and hoping it gets easier!

Today I Wannabe...grateful.

I spend so much time worrying about things in my life that I either cannot change, or have not changed for some reason.  This really gets me nowhere, since I usually end up being depressed about these things, and then I worry more because I'm depressed.  A vicious little circle.  It can often consume my whole day until I end up getting nothing done and changing nothing because I am overwhelmed by all that I want to change. One of my New Year's goals is to work on myself, and reading "Simple Abundance" daily is one of them.  Interestingly enough, the thoughts of change and determination to change this year and make it a better one for myself correspond with the "Simple Abundance" entry for today.  Sarah Ban Breathnach says: "When I surrendered my desire for security and sought serenity instead I looked at my life with open eyes."  She's talking about focusing on what she has rather than what she lacks.  This is right in line with my desire to live and think abundantly instead of in scarcity, and also with my desire for inner peace and serenity.  Her answer to this is to be grateful for the things in her life that matter.  So here I am this morning thinking about what I am grateful for.

There is so much to be grateful for right in my own home.  My husband, my daughter and grandson, my wonderful cat who is constantly loving and affectionate, and even the basic needs, a roof over my head, heat when it's cold, food in the pantry, and running water and electricity.  And, although we may be late on payments for some of these things, they, nonetheless, exist right now.  I want to feel grateful for all of them rather than worried about how I'm going to pay the utility bills and how I'll make dinner tonight.  Because, one way or another, things usually work out.  And, to that end, I'm taking a financial seminar designed to create peace in that area of my life.  It's a little scary to think about all the things that I need to change, but I am so tired of living pay check to pay check and always worrying about how we'll get through.  Back to my mantra:  we will have enough, we will have enough, we will have enough.

I will be grateful, and I will appreciate all that I have and all that I am capable of doing.  I fret sometimes since I am currently not working, and therefore contributing an income. But, instead of fretting, I should just be glad that I have the ability to handle the bills, to take care of the home, to make dinner, to do the laundry, and the rest of the things that I can do.  I need to remember that although my physical limitations are frustrating and painful, I CAN do quite a bit that may be beyond some folks.

So here I am, going into today with a heart full of gratitude and a positive outlook, knowing that I can live abundantly with what I already have.